Hello loves.
The first thing and the last thing you’ll see since this is my last post for this year is me screaming at your face haha, so sorry for that but this confetti was made for doing GIFS and slow-motion videos. But all jokes aside, let’s get real.
For the past few months, I have started noticing that I’m not feeling that well, I wouldn’t say that I burned up, but I lost all of my motivation (says a person who rants about losing all of the motivation, but posts three blog posts the same day), ironic don’t you think? But since I started working it’s been nonstop thinking and being creative and how can I push my boundaries to create something even more unique. My work was blossoming while my blog and my photography felt neglected. You see, I focused all of my energy and creativity to work, and I was still doing photography which is a beautiful thing! It’s a beautiful thing to do something that you actually love! But at the same time, I felt so drained that there was no creativity left for me. And not even that much creativity rather than time.
I remember doing a photo shoot at home, the light was terrible, literally terrible there was not even one photo that I liked, it was a simple photo shoot where I was just sitting by the Christmas tree, but there wasn’t a single photo that I liked. Than Žiga told me, you’re putting too much pressure on yourself, but then I thought how is sitting on the floor by the Christmas tree a pressure? It’s a simple photo shoot, and I can’t get it done. What’s wrong with me??
That isn’t the only thing that pushed me down the rabbit hole where I got to meet self-doubt, low self-esteem and lots of other fun friends. Sometimes I put so much work into something, and it just doesn’t get the kind of reception from the people that I would like to. You see, many people tell me:” Don’t worry, you’re doing this for yourself.” That’s not entirely true, but at the same time am I wrong if I want to aim higher and reach even more people to feel inspired by what I do?
I was never ashamed to admit that I care about what people think of me. I put so much faith into content that I produce and sometimes it almost feels like such a delicate thing, even now writing this feels so vulnerable to me personally because I don’t want for people to think ”Oh here she goes down the drain, more for me” This is harsh, but this is how I feel it is nowadays, sorry.
You see, I’m continually trying to create something unique for you, it’s super hard being in this type of business where all that matters are numbers, let’s be real. And there comes the question:” Than why are you even doing this then?” I seriously don’t understand people! If you’re complaining you’re a complainer and if you’re pretending that everything is okay, you’re just a pretend, oh people… I don’t quite know when will I ever understand humanity and how human energies work. I think never.
Another story.
This loss of motivation happened just a few weeks before I got this absolutely gorgeous dress from Tally Weijl. Weronika (bless her soul) sent this dress from Zagreb, and she actually made my dreams come true. You see I have a strong connection with Dior’s God’s creation of a perfect teal dress with printed straps. I know this sentence made no sense, but you got the drama effect, right? I would say that I always was grinding haha. I’m a grinder. We all know there may be a day where I could actually afford a dress for 5.000€, but that’s not today. Today I can afford a dress that is the same (okay it’s a replica, here I’ve said it) it costs 50€, and by the moth, I will still be able to afford to eat and pay my bills. Let’s just say that. I’m trying to collaborate with brands and really get the unique pieces, and this one is by far the closest to my heart. This is just a quick comparison of two totally different brands but almost the same dress:
When I went to the store to pick up the dress and brought it home, it hit me. I have no idea on how I’m going to pull the shoot off for this dress because I’m drained! I had literally no clue! I had so many ideas trust me, but in the end, there wasn’t enough space, or it wasn’t the right space, then there was a problem with lights haha I’ve put so much pressure on myself because it’s such a unique dress and I wanted for the post to be something special.
I literally bought a curtain, put it on my tripod, bought some confetti and I just laughed and screamed, so I overruled the sound of that loud bang when confetti exploded.
I will forever keep this dress, I swear! I know how handy it will come with the shoots that I’m having and I’m so grateful for that. Sometimes I’m not even sure if I’m ordering things for my self or my models haha. Either way, these type of unique dresses can make a big difference in a photoshoot.
I would say that the first step of getting my motivation back was talking to people who have the same passion as I do. You would think that’s the worst idea, but people who actually want to do the same thing as you and want to be a team with you is the best kind of feeling. You can actually brainstorm on ideas that you have, and then another idea is born and then another. It gives you a feeling that you can do this with the right support system. At that moment you feel like it’s not about competition, screw that it’s about truly supporting and acknowledging each other’s ideas.
I think it’s normal to not feel great at all times; it’s in human nature. We can’t be happy all the time, that’s the fact. I wish I could be more encouraging right now, but I’m just not there yet. But I will be once I recharge my batteries and stop worrying so much.
Okay now, a little recap or things that I’ve learned this year:
1. People don’t care haha. Truly, we became so self-centered that we only care about ourselves.
2. Don’t do things under pressure. Nothing good comes out of it
3. You can’t make everybody happy; you’re not a food
4. Making genuine connections with people is such a treasure
5. I’m never going to not care about what people think about me. I just concluded that this is never going to change
6. There’s literally no such thing as girls supporting girls. It is if you’re in the different niche of business, if you’re in the same niche, prepare to be disappointed. There, I said it!
7. Being real with people never felt so liberating
8. Networking is the most real support system there is
9. I became even more grateful for every opportunity that I get to work with brands that get me, my style and they’ll never do anything to change that.
10. Nothing comes over night so stop pressuring yourself to become a successful young lady in a heartbeat.
Wow, now this was depressing hahaha. Thank God it’s the end of the year. I hope the next one will bring me more joy, a peaceful mind, and genuine human beings.
Now, things that I’m really excited about in 2019:
1. Moving in a brand new apartment with Žiga. We’re already living together now, but it’s at my place, and I can’t wait to create a little home together.
2. I would really love to start a YouTube channel, I don’t know why but I just think that’s the next step for me. With videos you’re putting yourself out there, even more, so you’re practically looking for negativity and criticism, but people will never be satisfied so what the hell.
3. Hopefully creating lots of stories and sharing my honest oppinion about everything! Everything!!
4. I’m excited about learning new stuff, I would really love to upgrade my editorial photo shoots, but it’s so hard since sometimes I don’t really know where to look for information. My browser screams every time I write editorial haha.
5. I’m really looking forward to working with brands who are not interested just in numbers but in quality.
I seriously wish you all the best from the bottom of my heart! I wish you health which is probably the most important thing, lots of love, happiness, success; I wish for you to work on things that you really wish to succeed in.
Happy New Year loves.
Xx A.
